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Last Visit 2011-03-10 15:53:02 |Start Date 2005-12-06 21:43:37 |Comments 2,975 |Entries 614 |Images 745 |Sounds 7 |Videos 22 |Mobl 12 |

Category: :) ?

04/13/06 05:13 - 65ºF - ID#23834

Turning around?

So.... feeling a little more my normal self today- full of rambly thoughts.
Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's that my (intended) 2hr nap yesterday turned into 7hr (at the expense of work, but whatever). Who knows, but I'm not complaining. And thanks for all the nice comments/ emails peeps.

Had a nice day at work today... A little frantic, but I worked with an attending I am just getting to know, and it's really nice because he lets me do everything, which is a big change, and a sign of respect. Monday night I got to do most of our 5hr case, too. (a guy was shot at CLOSE range (2 feet?) with a shotgun. It was a mess. But he seems to be doing ok so far...) Now if I can just make myself study a little more...

And on my way out to my car when I was leaving, I saw a bumper sticker that made me do a double take. It said "body piercing saved my life", and I thought 'huh?' and went to investgate... Well it had a picture of what I assume is Jesus' wrist with a nail through it. Oy...

Not to mention it's so nice and warm out... Had the windows down, sunroof open, music blaring... I hope this weather is for real and is not just a phase.

Then I came home to an easter package from my mom. I love my mom. Lots of impeccably wrapped little gifts, and a big easter basket. Very Martha-ish. A sappy card for "our special beautiful gentle sweet daughter". A Dora the Explorer paddleball game, a scary rubber rabbit that blows bubbles, a crapload of candy, peeps (what's easter without peeps, right?), and a book: "The Spotter's Guide to the Male Species". I will have to read that one ASAP. Oh and a pad of post-its that says "You're not the boss of me. Oh, wait, you are. My mistake."

Well I guess that's it. I need to go do all the shit I didn't do yesterday while I was sleeping. Including making vacation plans!! Enjoy this lovely weather, peeps!

[New song: Weezer- Island in the Sun (since that's what I want more than anything right now).]

-J

P.s.- keep your calendars open for fri 5/5. It's fri, it's cinco de mayo, it's my big 3-0 [and (e:codypomeray)'s], and I'll be on vacation. No idea what my plans are, but I will certainly be out and about and would be happy to share shots with peeps along the way.
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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23834/Turning_around_.html
Words: 427
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: food

04/12/06 11:40- ID#23833

Alex's Awesome salad

So I ended my last mopey post saying I was going to go eat too much.
Well I decided instead to not be self-destructive, and to take advantage of all my fresh veggies before they go bad, and I made a ridiculous Salad Extravaganza.
I put in every single thing I love in a salad. (Even if they don't necessarily go well together.)
Featuring:

Spring Mix
baby carrots
cucumber
grape tomatoes
mushrooms
zesty sprouts (I love sprouts. Put 'em on a sandwich- mm mm good.)
green bell pepper (excellent source of vitamin C, better than oranges, as I "proved" in my 6th grade (Gold Medal Winning) Science Fair Project ;) )
radishes (love love love radishes. What an underrated veggie.)
an apple
craisins
crumbled gorgonzola
candied walnuts
good seasons italian dressing (makes me think of home.)
salt and pepper

I am in salad heaven.
Who said dieting is hard... I could melt away to nothing, happily, if I could have a salad like this every day- it's just keeping fresh veggies in stock, and washing/chopping/cleaning up that I don't motivate to do. Unfortunately it's just a lot easier to eat tim horton's at work, and hard to resist the pizza and wings that is always ordered when we're on call.

Slightly happier now,
-J
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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23833/Alex_s_Awesome_salad.html
Words: 214
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: :(

04/12/06 11:38- ID#23832

funkity funk (let's try again)

I wish I could feel better.
This is unlike me.  I'm always miss happy-go-lucky.  But ever since yesterday, everything just feels wrong.
I made the stupid ass mistake of talking to my ex.  Or texting him, to be more precise.
We'd made contact again recently, which made me happy.  I hate having people leave my life on bad terms.
So we were tossing around the idea of coffee.  I was actually looking forward to it.  Because when all is said and done, I enjoy his company.
So he asked when, and said he's "really busy".  I said no shit i'm busy too, and gave him some options.  And in typical fashion, he didn't respond.  That is my ULTIMATE PET PEEVE, and he fucking KNOWS this, since we fought about it many times.
I gave him a week or so, then last night just texted him "hi".  We chatted a bit, blah blah blah.  I asked him about coffee, and he says "i said yes let's go" and pretended he didn't know he had never answered me.  Then all of the sudden he disappears.  Two hours later "oh... I was eating."  Why couldn't you fucking tell me that, instead of leaving me hanging?  I don't know why this gets to me so much, but he just pushes all my buttons.  Then he came back and we chatted a little more, and (as usual) ended in a fight, with him saying "some things never change", and me crying.  So it looks like we won't have coffee.  And I don't know why that bothers me so much.  Why do I want to see a guy who makes me so fucking miserable? (this is the guy who, after all, broke up with me (after a YEAR) b/c I wanted dinner and he wanted to watch Lost.)  I guess I just hate to think I "failed" at the relationship.  Which makes me think of all my other "failed" relationships/attempts/etc, and makes me feel like I can't do ANYthing right.
Blah.
So anyway, that got me down.  Spent the rest of the night in tears, until I went to bed early.  And still just had a black cloud around me all day.
And then my dumbass coworker locked the call room from the inside so I couldn't get to my locker my car keys to go home.  And it took security almost 3 hours to come open the door.  but so I killed time on estrip. (where else?)  And (e:sbrugger) asked "what is so bad about your life?"  And I guess that's hard to answer...  Aside from boy drama and being alone, I guess there is nothing so BAD.  But worse than that, there is just nothing so GOOD either.  Ok I have my health, I have a roof over my head, I'm more fortunate than most, blah blah spare me.  But there's just nothing to get out of bed for in the morning...  My family is fantastic... estrip is pretty cool... I have a few friends... but as (e:vincent) put it, these things don't keep me warm at night.  And I wondered what the common problem is.  And maybe it's work.  I dread work lately.  I get there, and all I want to do is go home.  I can't WAIT to leave the building.  I find myself getting annoyed with my patients (sometimes rightfully so, and sometimes not.)  Annoyed with my interns.  Annoyed if I have to actually do any work.  Upset when a trauma makes me miss out on food or sleep.  I haven't slept past 5am (in buffalo) since March 4th.  (yes I was away two weekends ago, and I slept some there, but even that was a frantic whirlwind weekend.)  This weekend I COULD have a day off (Easter), but only one of us can have the day off- me, or the chief.  And there's no way the chief will work a holiday so that I can have a day off.  So that means yet another week without a day off.  I'm so sleep deprived I can't stand it.  I fall asleep at red lights.  I just fell asleep now while typing this.  I've gotten to the point that 4 hours is "a lot" of sleep.  It's just getting to me.... wearing me down....  And that makes me feel weak.  All 53 other residents have it just as bad as I do... and they manage to pull off lives and relationships and have fun- and they even manage to study, which I NEVER do (and it's showing.)
So then I asked the ultimate question- Do I like what I do?
I always instinctively snap back "yes of course" to that question.  But now I'm wondering- do I?  I mean yes, operating is way cool.  And I still do like that.  But is it enough?  I mean, I'm supposed to be EXCITED when a gunshot wound comes to the ER at 3am, because that means I might get to operate!  A chance to cut is a chance to heal!  Rah! I am macho surgeon!  But instead I think "god DAMMIT I don't want to get out of bed, why did this stupid fucker have to go and get his stupid ass shot grumble grumble."  Looking at the OR schedule today- pancreatectomy.  Huge case.  Probably 8hrs.  I should probably have been fighting to get in there, but all I could think was "no thank you.  I'll stick to my 45 min hernia repair."  Does that mean I'm lazy?
But to get back to my point... do I like what I do?  I always say yes- but is that just because the alternative is so bad?  Admitting I don't like it would be.... I can't even imagine.  It would flip my whole world on end.  Because this is my whole life.  There's no going back.  And I'm not a quitter.  So I can't even entertain the thought that maybe I'm not happy.  So am I going to be miserable?
For now I tell myself this is just temporary... only 2 more years of residency.  Then things will be better?  God I hope so.  Because this sucks so much right now.  I am ALWAYS tired and cranky and whiny and miserable.  No wonder I'm alone- who in their right mind would want to deal with this shite.

so on that depressing note, I think I will go eat far too much, starting with some spicy italian peppers.  I went to the grocery store thursday.  For the first time since 2/13.  And now I have so much food I don't know where to start.  It's like I want to eat it all at once.  At least I don't have to eat popcorn for dinner anymore...

Later peeps.  I love you.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Even though I feel totally broken, you can usually make me smile.  So thanks for that.  I guess not ALL men suck.  (but I'm still not convinced.)
-J
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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23832/funkity_funk_let_s_try_again_.html
Words: 1246
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: toys.

09/12/06 08:42 - 58ºF - ID#23831

Geek Torture!!

[mystery guest- if you are reading, see my post below. who are you? tell me more!]



Crap.

I "need" this.

Tivo has FINALLY come out with an HD compatible box. I have had tivo since '01 I think. I cannot watch tv without it. And the adelphia dvr just ain't the same thing.

I am such a tivo addict, that I watch my big fancy tv in "regular" mode and don't even use the HD, b/c then I couldn't have tivo.

Now they do.

The catch-

It's $800.

that's a lot!!

I like my toys, and I am willing to spend money on them... but that is a LOT.

crap.
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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23831/Geek_Torture_.html
Words: 120
Location: Buffalo, NY


09/12/06 05:22 - 61ºF - ID#23830

More mystery...

Dear guest who just sent me a "warning"-

Thank you... Do I know you? Who are you? How can I talk to you?
How did you find me?

-J
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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23830/More_mystery_.html
Words: 30
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: :(

04/09/06 10:13 - 36ºF - ID#23829

open letter

Dear men/boys of Buffalo:
You suck.
You have broken me.
You win.
I give up.
(and you don't even care.)

Love, J
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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23829/open_letter.html
Words: 23
Location: Buffalo, NY


04/09/06 01:13 - 39ºF - ID#23828

more music...

Hmmm... not too much to say lately I guess. I hate ECMC. I hate trauma. Spent 24 hours yesterday dealing with a guy in a car accident- started at 6:01- i hadn't even taken my coat off, when mercyflight got there. Then we had to go to CT scan and stuff- he was fucked up. High speed car accident, they don't know what happened except that they found him 40' from the car. His skull was broken in like 10 places, and his brain was dead. So we spent most of the day going through all the official tests and paperwork to declare him officially brain dead. Lots of family hanging around the ICU crying all day... it sucks. But some good came of it... we were in the OR from 2am to 6am harvesting his organs. That's a weird experience. I think the med student almost cried when she saw the heart start to slow down and stop. (like literally SAW the heart stop.) Tragedy that they couldn't use his heart for transplant. Nice healthy 28 year old heart went to "waste". Oh well... we got kidneys and liver, and they might take tissue (skin, bone, eyes, etc) too- so that can help at LEAST 3 people. And I stayed late to sew him up nicely. Figured it's the least I could do for the poor family...

Ok, sorry, wasn't planning on posting that but it just came out.

What I was PLANNING on doing was posting this song. A random friend that I love but never hear from (a frat brother of an ex) emailed it to me out of the blue... lyrics and all. And it seems to fit in with the theme around here lately...

So I give you 'your ex-lover is dead', by Stars.

Dammit. It's too big. So until I manage to crop it down somehow, you just get lyrics. And instead my user song is a boppy little techno tune (streamline, by newton) from this Pepsi commercial with Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey. (I love when he scoots on his ass. Jimmy Fallon is adorable.)

Oh my god that one is too big too!!

Ok. Last one. Some happy indian dance music for Timika.

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across pont champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't chose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23828/more_music_.html
Words: 576
Location: Buffalo, NY


04/07/06 11:50 - 34ºF - ID#23827

Welsey Wellis

Funny.... in my last post I mentioned Wesley Willis ((e:jenks,105)). And then Lee mentioned him today. ((e:leetee,159)). So just for you Lee, my new usersound is "I whupped Batman's ass" by Wesley Willis himself. But since I just realized you can't hear usersounds, I will try to put it up (along with some other bonus songs) in Gather, if I can find it....

Ok, I found gather, in Firefox. Not working in safari at the moment it seems.
But anyway... my frist gather uploads-

0136918001144468795
"I whupped Batman's ass"

0760614001144468993
"Johnny Depp"

and finally-
0940069001144469087
"Suck a caribou's dick"

hope they work for you Lee!




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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23827/Welsey_Wellis.html
Words: 104
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: music

04/06/06 10:38 - 39ºF - ID#23826

mmm, lint clot

So I felt like switching up my song... and was looking through itunes... I have SO much music I have never even listened to... I found so many things I wanted to put up... Decided on this b/c this guy is so insane that it's funny. Makes me feel better about my life. ;)

ooh... speaking of insane... maybe i should put up Wesley Willis. There's an idea... You'll have to stay tuned. So much to share with you all!

And I am still taking suggestions for vacation... please!

-J
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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23826/mmm_lint_clot.html
Words: 90
Location: Buffalo, NY


Category: vacation

04/05/06 11:36 - 34ºF - ID#23825

cruise?

Ok-
this will be very quick since as usual I am at work and should not be online.

I have a week of vacation coming up- first week of may. Happens to include the big 3-0 bday.

I want to go do something fun.
My wishes are- sun, fun, relaxing. I am more into the "lay around by the pool, get a tan, drink drinks with umbrellas, chill and relax, with occasional excursions", kind of vacation, than the "get up at 8am for aerobics and non-stop adventure EVERY DAY!" kind of vacation. (wow that was crazy grammar. Hope it made sense.)

I went to club med (turks and caicos) a few years ago- it was a blast. A little cheesy, but fun, and the all-inclusive aspect is great- never got out my wallet, bought a drink, paid a tip, etc, once.
Another thing I'm thinking might be fun is a cruise. Again I can handle a little cheese, but not too much. But i don't want a family-centered kiddie cruise, i don't want want a couples-only mushy romantic thing, but i also don't really want a cheesy singles thing...

so my point is-
anyone been on a cruise and have any recommendations? words of advice? i'm not really sure where to even start looking, which cruise lines are decent, etc.

Ok, so much for 'very quick', but now i need to get back to work.

thanks for any advice you may have, peeparoos.

-J
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Permalink: http://estrip.org/articles/read/jenks/23825/cruise_.html
Words: 244
Location: Buffalo, NY


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hodown said to paul
Build an elevator in the house. ...

paul said to lilho
Congrats on love. So you are a a taxi driver now?!...

libertad said to joe
Haha, I love that pic of me and Mike. Laughing is good!...

libertad said to joe
That's for sure a gaping hole! ...