Well, as my JCC membership expires next week I am going to have to say goodbye to all the decrepit men littering the locker rooms talking about the housing market. Goodbye to the trainers with biceps larger than cantaloupe. Goodbye to the ritzy small-assed women who they train. Goodbye to the locker room that smells like sweaty feat and urine. And an especially goodbye to the ever growing patch of black mold in the shower room.

Oh, and while I am here. The steam room at the JCC is the weirdest I have ever seen. It isn't the super cool Nordic one with the wood planks and the box of volcanic rock you pour water on. No, it is all tile and wet and dank. I went into it once. It was uncomfortable because a towel does nothing to protect you from the bacteria left on the bench behind from the previous guys ass. No, the whole thing is sopping wet. The odds of getting an infection in that place are equal to a bareback orgy. The odd thing about it though is that to keep the steam up a sprinkler system goes off shooting hot water everywhere. It scared the hell out of me when it did and I ran away, dreaming of Sweden and their sanitary saunas.

Well, apparently (e:Jim) and (e:Enknot) have been plotting to get me to go to the Buff. State facility and be Tony's workout buddy. I don't know how I feel about being a workout buddy. So much responsibility. Damn it! If I want to skip two reps from my last set I am going to! Scrawniness be damned! So, I biked over there and gave the place a look over. Who should I see but (e:Libertad). This must be the cool kids gym.

I was talking to this guy while I was volunteering at the Pride Center about Alentown Athletix. They have a nice facility but it is the 'gay gym' and I want no part of that. I have no problem with working out around gay guys and the occasional check out of another's butt. I just don't want someone reaching out unsolicited to give a hand job while on the stair master.

Well, he told me that Buff State was a tough gym to go to because it was littered with young hot buff guys. He couldn't go there any more, it was too much of a distraction. That is why everyone should watch freaky porn. It is really tough to get aroused from an every day situation if you are into furries and carrot sticks.

I am sure I can handle a distraction or two. This isn't some 80's movie where I (the nerdy guy) sees her (the unattainable beauty). She shakes the sweat from her hair as a sparkly filter is put on the camera and some synth laden rock song with the word 'magic' in it's title plays. Enraptured I forget I have a kagillion pounds of wait and the smith machine falls like a guillotine and John Cusack hilarity ensues. No, I am not that guy.

I have been at the JCC (Jewish Community Center for the goys and others) for two years now. It has been good and all that for a while now, but it is time to go. The staff is wonderful, Kandy and Joe could crush my head with the weakest muscle on their body, but they are so nice, crazy nice. Like, offers to baby sit just for the fun of it nice. It is unreal. But, as their hours are constantly being reduced, they did a horrendously sleazy fundraising campaign (On Monday I got a letter saying they were closing down one center due to financial woes and a plea for donations, on thursday miraculously they were able to find some extra cash. jerks) Well, it is just time to go elsewhere, to mine for more interesting stories. Here is part one of a three part series, the stories, neh, LEGENDS! of the JCC.

1) The Prego Fetish

He is there all the time. I think he is a trainer, but I can't be sure. He sits around and chats with his meat head friends about squats and other vaguely sexual sounding exercises while the world around him is pardoning themselves as they grab weights or benches his massive ass is blocking. Well, he and this other meathead were gym jerking off.

Gym Jerking Off is when you lift as much and grunt as much as you possibly can. In modern, enlightened societies you can be beheaded for this. So, he does a set of cable flys. A very showy exercise, as it looks like you are crushing the skull of an invisible grizzly bear. His friend does a set. He is about to do his second when.... she walks in.

She and her husband were being given a tour of the place. They were not in bad shape. Soft around the middle but of respectable proportion. Oh, and she was about nine months pregnant. Had the tour taken place an hour later I am sure her water would have broke somewhere between the basketball court and the swimming pool.

Well, Mr.Meathead lights up. He claps his hand in skull crushing style and screams "YA! Let's do this!" and does that thing straight men do where they skip in the air, arms thrown back, and buts his chest against his embarrassed friend's.
1! YA!
2! All right!
3!.... if the Count from Sesame Street was never this excited about numbers. It was like Flowers for Algernon, where Charlie is very excited he has learned to count overnight.

His searching eyes the entire time never left the face of the pregnant woman.


Eventually the Gym Jerk Off ended. But the actual jerking off had only begun for him. As his splooge Pollocked his belly I am sure he was wishing it was a round dome like the woman's.

Almost it is time to go.